Dear Jay, I think about you every day. How I wish I could change the past, And have you here with me. But, unfortunately, Another chance is not to be. It’s been a month, two weeks, And four days. And still the grief, And depression stays. I keep thinking who you would’ve been, And what your favorite color would be.
But those I will never know, No matter how much I plea. The pain doesn’t get easier, Nor does living life. Instead I feel more suicidal, Wanting, so badly, to use that knife. How could I have done that to you? How can I still live this way? How can I live knowing, That you will never see the light of day?
How could I pick a man over you? A guy that acted like your life was a play. Waiting for your life to end, that man, your father, And acted like it was all okay. He claims that he did, That I just don’t know. But I have messages of him telling me, It wasn’t your time and that you just had to go. I miss you so much, And you don’t know how much I longed for you. Ever since I was fourteen years old, Yet I let some boy tell me what to do.
I wish I could change the past, I wish I could bring you back. And prevent what I did, Instead of having this lack.
All I want is you, To hold you in my arms.
But I can’t do that now, Now that I caused you harm. Now you’re up with the angels, In the heaven above. You’re probably longing to know, Why you weren’t loved. Truth is, you were, Even if you didn’t feel it.
I should’ve stood up for you,
But I didn’t, not even a bit. I thought it was going to be okay, At least, that’s what he made me believe. That you meant nothing, But now I do nothing, but grieve.
I grieve for you every day, Hoping that one day I’d get the honor to see you one day. To tell you face to face that I love you, That I’m sorry, is what I hope and pray.
I wish I could undo my mistake, And still be carrying you. But now God is holding you in his arms, Which is more than I can do. I hope that you forgive me, And that God does too. So that one day I can go to Heaven, And be reunited with you. I’m sorry that I did you wrong, I’m sorry that it was you and not me. I’m sorry that you’ll never get to play down here, And live life the way it was supposed to be.
I’m sorry this is the choice I chose, And that I didn’t fight harder for you. I’m sorry I let a man persuade me, Away from what I wanted to do. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good mom, And that you’re up there, which is wrong. Because in my arms, Was where you belonged..